Should a Christian marry a non-Christian?
The Problem
God designed us for marriage. Sexual differences between men and women cannot have occurred by random events. We were made for a purpose.
God has always been concerned to protect marriages although he recognises that there can be problems within them. There were various reasons why the deceiving Jacob was preferred to his older twin Esau, but one of these was his problematic marriage.
“When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith, daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath, daughter of Elon the Hittite. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebecca.” Genesis 26:34-35
Manoah and his wife understood the problems a poor marriage can bring when their son Samson, attracted to a Philistine young lady, said,
“’I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.’ His father and mother replied, ‘Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?’ But Samson said to his father, ‘Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.’” Judges 14:2-3
It is well known that sexual attraction alone is a poor basis for marriage. It is all too common for a veneer of love to blind people to the other important features that make for a successful long-term relationship. A smile, amorous eyes and a touch can be very deceptive. As time goes by and the veneer of being ‘in love’ changes, the stability of a marriage depends more on underlying compatibility. If a boyfriend or girl friend is not able to control their anger or tongue or is selfish during a courtship, it is highly likely that they will continue to do so during a marriage. Keep a careful eye out for how they relate to others, to their family and friends, as that is likely to be how they will treat you in the future! A lack of self-control is a very worrying feature.
Rational questions about whether backgrounds (B) are similar and whether interests are compatible (C) make for an easier marriage in the long term. Long-term goals or ambitions (A) need to be compatible. Differences in areas of ethnic and social background (B) can be overcome, if there is a determination by both parties to do so, but spiritual questions about the deep purpose and meaning of life and whether both husband and wife see themselves as living under the authority of God are fundamental. It is about this area of ambition (A) that the Bible teaching is so strong. What really motivates the other person? There is also increasing evidence form recent studies about the importance of the area of faith in a marriage; this is closely related to ambition. The more that ambitions, background and common interests overlap, the easier a relationship will be.
Divorce
The benefit of a strong personal faith is seen in the matter of divorce. Couples who are both active in their faith are much less likely to divorce. Catholic couples were 31% less likely to divorce; Protestant couples 35% less likely; and Jewish couples 97% less likely.i
Some studies in the United States have shown that counties with a high proportion of people claiming to be conservative Protestants actually have the highest divorce rates. However, a new article by sociologist Charles Stokes suggests that the problem here is mainly with nominal conservative Protestants—those who attend church rarely or never. It's these nominal conservative Protestants, who rarely darken the door of a church, who are much more likely to divorce.ii The importance of a faith being real is seen in another American study which found that religiously unaffiliated Americans, and countries with higher shares of unaffiliated Americans, are the most likely to divorce. iii
Secularism seems to be more conducive towards divorce than conservative Protestantism.
In her book, ‘The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages’, Shaunti Feldhahn showed that a real faith is important in keeping a marriage alive. She discovered that
53% of ‘Very Happy Couples’ agree with the statement, "God is at the centre of our marriage". This compared with 7% of struggling couples.
30% of ‘Struggling Couples’ disagree with the statement, "God is at the centre of our marriage."
She concludes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the centre of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfilment and happiness"iv
Effect of parents on their children’s faith
Good marriages are very important for a coherent, well run society. The following facts, provided by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services from 1996 demonstrate this. The situation may be even worse today.
Only 1 in 4 children live with their paternal fathers.
In 1996, 42% of female-headed households with children were poor, compared with 8% of families with children headed by married parents.
Girls without fathers in their lives are two and a half times more likely to get pregnant and 53% more likely to commit suicide.
Boys without fathers in their lives are 63% more likely to run away from home and 37% more likely to use drugs.
Boys and girls without father involvement are twice as likely to drop out of school, twice as likely to go to jail and nearly four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioural problems.
The average American father spends only seven and a half uninterrupted minutes per week with his children but 32 hours a week watching TV.If faith is so important it is clearly right to pass this on to children. In 1994 two Swiss researchers analysed data obtained in a Swiss census which investigated various aspects of Swiss life, including religious affiliations. They were particularly interested in how the children’s faith reflected that of their parents. Their discovery was startling.
Switzerland has a population of over seven million with 46% calling themselves Roman Catholic, 40% Protestant, 9% with no religion and 5% other faiths. It was not possible to distinguish whether people had a Christ-centred, Biblical faith but looked only at regular church attendance. Here is what the study found:
If neither parent attended church, only 4% of their children became regular attendees. 15% irregular attendees and 80% did not attend church at all
If the mother attended church regularly but not the father, just 2% of the children attended regularly, 37% irregularly and 61% not at all.
If both mother and father attended church regularly, 33% of their children became regular attendees, 41% irregularly and just 26% never attended.
If the mother was regular but the father an irregular attendee, 3% of the children became regular attendees, 59% irregular and 38% became non-attendees.
If the father was a regular church attendee and the mother irregular, 38% of the children became regular attendees, 44% irregular and just 18% did not attend at all.
If the father attended irregularly and the mother not at all then 25% of the children became regular attendees, 23% irregular and 52% not at all.
In summary, this study shows that the fathers had more influence on their children’s faith than the mothers had, but when both parents were involved together then around three quarters of their children will hold to their faith in some form. This study suggests that when children leave their parents home it is the practised faith of the father that is most influential.v
This study is a crude one based on social statistics. It takes no note of how real the personal faith of a parent is and whether the children are brought up in a church where youngsters are encouraged to question their faith and get to know the Bible. These must be a major factors in helping a child grow in faith. Questioning is surely the way to conviction about truth. If a belief is false, based on wishful thinking alone, it will crumble on investigation, but if it is based on good evidence then it will stand strongly whatever the pressures.
It is significant that Paul points to the influence of Timothy’s godly mother, Eunice, and godly grandmother, Lois, had on his coming to be convinced about Jesus (2 Timothy 1:5). Fortunately God can overcome statistics!
Old Testament Teaching
Although the Bible has nothing to say about racially mixed marriages’, even though there will be added stresses, it is very strong on warning against ‘faith mixed marriages’. A West Indian preacher put it clearly this way,
“If you insist on marrying a child of the devil, you are sure to have problems with your father-in-law’
Bishop J.C. Ryle, the great Bible-teaching Bishop of Liverpool, speaking of marriage said,
‘Marriage is a state of life which has the greatest effect on the souls of those who enter into it. It helps them upwards or downwards. It leads them nearer to heaven or nearer to hell. We all depend much on the company we keep.’
I remember my mother saying to me,
‘Make sure your wife is more godly than you.’
When the children of Israel were about to enter the Promised Land they were strictly prohibited by God from marrying the local Canaanite girls and lads because they did not serve the one true God and they will have an adverse influence on God’s people.
“Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same.” Exodus 34:15-16
“Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons, or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you. . . . For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. Deuteronomy 7:3-4
This prohibition was repeated by Moses successor, Joshua, who reminded the Israelites that obedience to God was their highest priority,
“So be very careful to love the LORD your God. But if you turn away and ally yourselves with the survivors of these nations that remain among you and if you intermarry with them and associate with them, then you may be sure that that the LORD you God will no longer drive out these nations before you. Instead, they will become snares and traps for you . . .“ Joshua 23:11-13
King Solomon started well but his marriages with foreign women, with their different gods, led to his downfall.
“King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter – Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, ‘You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.’ Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He has seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molech the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the LORD; he did not follow the LORD completely, as David his father had done.”
The LORD became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the LORD, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the LORD’s command,” 1 Kings 1:1-10
It is clear that it was not a matter of racial but spiritual harmony that concerned the Lord. He knew that people would fail to keep a single-minded allegiance to him if their life’s partner did not share this priority.
After the exile the same prohibition continued. Ezra was furious on being told about the unfaithfulness of God’s people with regard to inter-faith marriages. Reading through Ezra chapters 9 and 10 clarifies why god does not want his people to marry outside the faith. It starts:
“The people of Israel, including the priests and the Levites, have not kept themselves separate from the neighbouring peoples with their detestable practices . . . They have taken some of their daughters and wives for themselves and their sons, and have mingled the holy race with the peoples around them. And the leaders and officials have led the way in this unfaithfulness.” Ezra9:1-2
Ezra’s reaction was uncompromising.
“When I heard this, I tore my tunic and cloak, pulled hair from my head and beard and sat down appalled. Then everyone who trembled at the words of the God of Israel gathered around me because of this unfaithfulness of the exiles . . .” Ezra 9:3-4
The reaction of the people was impressive. Their representative said to Ezra,
“We have been unfaithful in marrying foreign women from the peoples around us. But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel. Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands of our God.” Ezra 10:2-3
A little later, Nehemiah was also furious at this lack of obedience among God’s people.
“Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod, Ammon and Moab. Half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod or the language of one of the other peoples, and did not know how to speak the language of Judah. I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God’s name and said, ‘You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves.. Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? . . . Must we now hear that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women.” Nehemiah 13:23-27
New Testament
The Corinthian church had many problems but underlying these was the lack of a single-minded commitment to follow and obey their Lord and Saviour. Paul reminds them that God had created the state of marriage and he regarded this as being a precious state which all must work at to uphold. If a wife became a Christian she still had to make her marriage work, this did not give her the right to divorce her non-Christian husband. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16). However, if her husband died any new husband must be committed to serving Christ.
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 7:39
A little later Paul again emphasises the importance of Christians marrying someone who is really committed to living for the Lord Jesus for the sake of their ministry.
“Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas? 1 Corinthians 9:5
Some of those in the Corinthian church had misunderstood the immense privilege of being accepted into God’s family. This fact was meant to have a dramatic effect on their lives. It is interesting that the origins of these two words, ‘fact’ and ‘effect’ are closely linked, coming from the Latin ‘ex-‘ meaning meaning ‘out of’ and ‘facere’ meaning ‘to do’. Christians aim is to live for Christ as they are convinced who he is and that one day they will meet him face to face.
The importance of being single-mindedly centred on Christ is made very strongly in Paul’s subsequent letter to the Corinthians. He stresses that all close relationships, of which marriage must be the most important, should be centred on Christ.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Clearly God’s priority is for Christians to have Christ-centred families. Here children can be raised in an environment where obedience to God is the norm. It is too late to leave the decision about life’s priorities till adolescence, which is an abdication of parental responsibility. Jesus wants children to be his followers and they need to learn this at an early stage.
“Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Jesus was later in the temple, healing blind and lame people. Children, seeing the wonderful things Jesus was doing, were singing his praises and were even calling him the Messiah, the Son of David, who was to be worshipped.. The chief priests and teachers of the law, seeing these miracles and the children’s response, became indignant.
“’Do you hear what these children are saying?’ they asked him, ‘Yes,’ replied Jesus, ‘have you never read, from the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise.’” Matthew 21:16
One of the main reasons that people cannot understand why the Bible puts such a priority on Christ-centred families is that many have not grasped the vital importance of being in Christ. It is only if we and our offspring remain devoted to Christ that we are saved for eternity. This is the clearest of all Bible teaching.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.” John 3:36
“Salvation is found in no-one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12
So for a Christian to marry a non-Christian is verging on their saying that the Lord’s priorities are not theirs; they prefer to follow their own interests and hormones! A great lie of Satan is that because a friend is pleasant, attractive and kind these are what matters most. What matters most is to accept Christ’s forgiveness and then live with his priorities as our own. The apostle John was most concerned that Christians were being deceived so easily. The false teachers may not be preachers but good friends.
“I say this because many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the decider and the antichrist. . . Anyone who welcomes them shares in their wicked work.” 2 John 7-11
It is so often painful to see a Christian, usually the wife, trying to live with Christ’s priorities with a spouse who has other priorities. The tension can often be seen in the way children are brought up. When a couple are united in traveling the same direction in life, it does make life so much easier.
The role of a father in the faith of a family is particularly important. If a father becomes a Christian then 93 per cent of their family will follow, whereas if just the wife becomes a Christian then only 27 per cent of her family will follow.
It is a wonderful thing to share the same ambitions in life. We also share the same future, to spend eternity with our Lord and Saviour. My wife helps keep me living for Christ.
Bernard Palmer
June 2021
Should Christians marry a non-Christian? NO Article by Kathy Keller, wife of Tim Keller.
Over the course of our ministry at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York, one of the most common pastoral issues that Tim and I have confronted is proposed marriages between Christians and non-Christians.
In my view there are only three ways an unequal marriage can turn out:
1. In order to be more in sync with your spouse, the Christian will have to push Christ to the margins of their life. This may not involve actually repudiating the faith, but in matters such as devotional life, tithing, raising children in the faith, fellowship with other believers ‐ those things will have to be minimised or avoided in order to preserve peace in the home. Paul warned against Christians being unequally yoked 'for good reason'
2. Alternatively, if the believer holds on to a robust Christian life and practice, the non-believing partner will have to be marginalised. If they can’t understand the point of Bible study, prayer, missions trips or hospitality, then they can’t or won’t participate alongside the believing spouse in those activities. The deep unity and oneness of a marriage cannot flourish when one partner cannot fully participate in the other person’s most important commitments.
3. So either the marriage experiences stress and breaks up, or it experiences stress and stays together, achieving some kind of truce that involves one spouse or the other capitulating in some areas, but which leaves both parties feeling lonely and unhappy.
Does this sound like the kind of marriage you want? One that strangles your growth in Christ or strangles your growth as a couple, or does both?
Paul warned against Christians being ‘unequally yoked’ for good reason. An unequal marriage is not just unwise for the Christian, it is also unfair to the non-Christian, and will end up being a trial for them both.
Kathy Keller is the co-author of The Meaning of Marriage (Hodder & Stoughton) with her husband, Tim Keller. Adapted from Kathy’s blog at thegospelcoalition.org
i Bradley R.E. Wright, “Christians Are Hate-Filled Hypocrites...and Other Lies You've Been Told: A Sociologist Shatters Myths From the Secular and Christian Media” July 2010
ii http://family-studies.org/findings-on-red-and-blue-divorce-are-not-exactly-black-and-white/
iii http://www.canonandculture.com/no-christianity-is-not-bad-for-marriage-brad-wilcox-on-red-state-family-structure-and-conservative-protestantism/
iv Shaunti Feldhahn ‘The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages’, p. 178
v The Demographic Characteristics of National Minorities in Certain European States. Werner Haug and others, published by the Council of Europe Directorate General III, Social Cohesion, Strasbourg, January 2000. Study No. 31
